The England vs Mexico friendly international saw 63336 launch its Fabio Index, a measure of how well the England coach performs at important matches. In the true spirit of the 63336 Alternative Reports, rather than measuring the mundane, such as possession, shots on target or fouls, 63336 chose to focus on Fabio’s ability to sing the national anthem, attire, movements and tactile gestures.
Master tactician that he is, Fabio Capello clearly got wind of 63336’s plans to monitor his every move, and resolved to stand as still as possible all game. Apart from a few hurried points, and a moment of weakness when he crouched down in delight, the England coach scored a measly 42.7%. He didn’t smile all match, and only once touched a player – Adam Johnson the lucky recipient in the 84th minute. The signs were there early on, with his stony silence through the national anthem and his funereal dark blue tie. Improvement needed, Fabio. We’ll be watching.
As well as measuring Fabio’s performance, researchers from 63336 analysed the commentary from Radio 5live and ITV. A sampling of these results, in the form of Q&As, are provided here for your entertainment:
Fabio Index
Q. What was Fabio’s most common gesture during the match?
A. Fabio managed a measly 7 finger points, followed by 5 winces. Quite where his usual stony-faced silence stops and the winces start is a difficult call.
Q. Who did Fabio touch the most?
A. Adam Johnson was the only person to get a touch, with a pat on the back in the 84th minute. They don’t have fleas, Fabio. You can shake their hands.
Q. How many words in the National Anthem did Fabio sing?
A. Not one. He stood – as he did for most of the match – in stony silence. Pull your finger out, Fabio. You’re supposed to be leading the nation to glory.
Q. Ok, the important things: what has his tie like?
A. Fabio’s tie was as mundane as his actions in the match. The dark blue tie did have some classical style, but was just too funereal. 63336 scores it 3/10.
Commentator analysis
Q. How cliched was the commentary by the ITV team?
A. ITV’s commentary was surprisingly un-cliched and factual. Townsend tended to the bizarre, mentioning the park (pitch), pretty football (good shot) and a bit mucky (not very well played).
Q. Which BBC radio commentator was most disappointed with the England performance?
A. Chris Waddle expressed his disappointment at England’s play the most, 16 times compared to 14 mentions by Mike Ingham & 5 by Graham Taylor.
Q. What were the most frequent buzzwords in the England vs. Mexico game for 5Live?
A. The 5Live commentators were most keen to remind us all of the upcoming World Cup, with 36 mentions. Injuries got a total of 17 mentions.
Q. What were the most frequent buzzwords in the England vs. Mexico game on ITV?
A. The 3 most frequent buzzwords in the England v Mexico game were ‘World Cup’; ‘Injury’ & ‘Beckham’. Neither metatarsals or 1966 were mentioned by ITV.
For live alternative views on life, the universe and everything, follow 63336 on twitter.
