Our latest Alternative Report takes its inspiration from a question we received last week “who’s the biggest sinner in the England team, according to the seven deadly sins?”
For those of you not intimately acquainted with Dante’s inferno, we used this and the Catholic church to get our expert 63336 researchers to focus on the sins of greed (annual salary), sloth (laziness on the pitch), envy (shouting for the ball), pride (too proud to sing the national anthem), gluttony (weight), wrath (shouting at the ref) and lust (we could have measured kisses, but these are rare on the actual pitch, so we looked in more depth at the footballers’ personal lives).
Our researchers carefully recorded stats throughout the game on Saturday, coming up with the result that Wayne Rooney is the biggest England sinner for the England side, and Clint Dempsey for the USA.
You can see the tables below, but here’s some of the questions we also answered relating to the seven sins.
Q. What is the average wage bill of the England and USA teams?
A. England players take home an average of £71,600 against the USA’s £10,200 per week. Proof that, in some things, the English are bigger than the Americans.
Q. Who was the heaviest player in the England vs. USA game?
A. The heaviest player tonight was Rob Green at 93kg; Gerrard was England’s beefiest outfield player at 83kg. The USA’s heavyweight Oguchi Onyewu was 91kg – though that was partly beard.
Q. Which of the England players is the most lustful?
A. Ashley Cole. Just imagine guys, married to Cheryl and still playing away; not once, not twice, but 4 or 5 times. Terry was naughty, but only with 1 lady.
Q. Which England player called for the ball the most?
A. There was little calling for the ball from England; they knew exactly where to put it. Aaron Lennon called most; Crouch is so tall he blinked rather than gestured.
Q. How many players in the England team sang the national anthem? And the USA?
A. Our boys did us proud, with 8 players piping up for the anthem, compared to 5 US players. Rooney, however, looked like a constipated Easter Island statue throughout.
Q. Who was the laziest player?
A. USA defender Onyewo covered the least distance, running just 8,798 metres. Heskey was England’s most slothful, running 7,960 metres over 89 mins.
Q. Who was the angriest player on the pitch?
A. Rooney; he got hot under the collar after an offside ruling, gave Tim Howard evils for doing his job, and complained to the ref for not defending him more.
Q. Who was the biggest sinning English player?
A. Rooney. With a high salary, one sex scandal, not singing the national anthem, and poor touches of the ball his sins of Greed, Lust, Pride, Wrath and Gluttony easily make him the biggest sinner.
Q. And who was the English saint – on the pitch?
A. Shaun Wright-Phillips was the saint of the game. He is one of the least fat (weighing in at 64kg), never got angry with the ref and remembered to sing the national anthem.
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