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London, UK - 5 February 2010 - Given the number of questions 63336 get from Brits who can't make head nor tail of it, we thought we'd offer up a guide to all the gridiron shenanigans.
American football isn't that substandard version that David Beckham plays when he's not in Milan. It might just look like rugby with armour and advert breaks, but there's more to it than that. Read on, and if you're still stuck, you can always text 63336.
The aim of the game: score more points
You get 6 points for a touchdown (equivalent to a try in rugby), 1 for a conversion (equivalent to… a conversion in rugby) and 3 points for a field goal (a bit like a drop goal – between the posts and over the crossbar).
Actually, we take back the bit about there being more to it than rugby with armour and advert breaks. It's practically the same, although a poor cousin to our fine game. Especially as, in American football, you can also score 2 points for a safety if you tackle the opposing team in their own endzone (the bit behind the goal line). Safeties are rare, so don't worry about them.
Players: it's 46 a side – think of the monthly wage bills
It's only 11 a side on the pitch at once, but with unlimited substitutions and different specialities for different times in the game, everyone gets a turn. The players are divided up into those who throw the ball (quarterback; usually the golden boy of the side), those who catch it (wide receiver), those who run with it (running back), those who try to stop people throwing, catching or running with the ball, and those who try to stop those who try to stop those throwing, catching or running with the ball.
If you really want to, you can remember names like linebacker, guard, nose tackle and long snapper, but as long as you remember the main ones and snigger whenever the tight end is mentioned, you'll be fine.
Playing the game: four downs and out
Each team gets four downs (they mean turns) to move the ball 10 yards further up the field, either by throwing and catching it or running with it. If they do it within these four turns (sorry, 'downs') they get another four downs. If they haven't done it within three and are close enough, they'll try and kick a field goal with the fourth down. If they're not close enough, they'll punt it all the way down the field, so the other side has further to go when it's their turn.
Does that make it clearer? Oh, and don't think they use the same person to kick a field goal and to punt. Teams have both a placekicker and punter, and they get paid handsomely too.
Dallas Cowboys punter Mat McBriar is on a 5-year $8.5m contract, with a $2.5m signing bonus. Chicago Bears placekicker Robbie Gould is on a 5-year $15.5m contract, with a $4.25m signing bonus. Nice work if you can get it, but it pales into insignificance in comparison with Julius Peppers, defensive end for the Carolina Panthers, who got a whopping $16.7m just for this season.
Game length
You might think that a game with four 15 minute quarters would last for a little over an hour. Try three or four hours. Well, you've got to give all forty six players a chance to have a turn, don't you? The clock is stopped frequently – if the ball goes out of bounds, if there's a time out, an injury, or if the seven officials want to get together and have a natter about what happened in the previous down. (Let's just ignore the fact that cricket can go on for five days and end in a draw. We're trying to be jokingly condescending here, so let's not allow facts to get in the way).
Razzmatazz
With so much time to fill, it's no surprise that cheerleaders, flashy halftime shows and frequent advert breaks are in rich supply. We're broadly in favour of cheerleaders – call it the lighter side of objectifying women. We're even broadly in favour of George W Bush having been a cheerleader, but we wish he'd spent a little bit more time playing with his pom-poms and a little less time invading Iraq.
The Who are playing at the Super Bowl, which is great. Everything else about it will be like the opening ceremony to the 1994 World Cup – remember Diana Ross kicking the ball, missing the goal, and it 'blowing apart' anyway?
The adverts we can definitely leave. Companies create big showpiece adverts (that don't have a single thing to do with their product) for the Super Bowl, with a 30 second advert costing a shocking $3.01m. Sure, we're proud of the 63336 TV ad, but a whole culture based around adverts? For shame, America. For shame.
The Super Bowl: coming to your small screen this Sunday
Super Bowl XLIV is on 7 February 2010 (10.55pm, BBC1), between the New Orleans Saints and the Indianapolis Colts. It's basically their FA Cup. You want the Saints to win. Pick your reason from any of the following:
a) Mardi Gras.
b) Who has an affinity with Indianapolis apart from motor racing fans?
c) You feel sorry for New Orleans after the horrors of Katrina.
d) Brits love underdogs (ok, we've got good reason to). Saints are slight underdogs (Odds of 7/4, as opposed to 10/21 for the Colts).
e) You really love John Kennedy Toole's novel A Confederacy of Dunces, which is set in New Orleans. It has nothing to do with American football, but it's as good a reason as any.
Congratulations: you're now a Saints fan – until Super Bowl XLV anyway.
Finally, five things for Brits NOT to say if invited to a super bowl party
a) Who's the one who did dog-fighting?
b) This is the sport where NBC switched away from the last part of a nailbiting game to show Heidi instead, right?
c) "We are the Diamonds. We come from Glasgow"
d) Can we watch Hollyoaks instead?
e) No beer and nachos for me, thanks. I'm just here to enjoy forty six man mountains pitched against another forty six man mountains, in an epic clash of unarmed combat, to see who suckles from the sweet teat of victory, and who cries on the dislocated shoulder of despair. …Oh, good advert. Actually, I'll have a Bud.
Recent Q&A about American Football
Q. How do you play American Football?
A. Each team has 4 attempts or downs to move the ball 10 yards until they either score a touchdown (6 pts), or field goal (3 pts), or give the ball away.
Q. Why is it called gridiron?
A. American Football is called 'gridiron' because the markings on the field of play resemble a grid of regularly spaced parallels.
Q. When was American Football invented?
A. In 1876, Harvard, Columbia, Princeton and Yale Universities adapted rugby union to play American Football. So yes, they copied it from us.
Q. Do more people watch football or American Football?
A. Football is the world's most watched sport – the World Cup Final is the most watched event. The Super Bowl is 2nd and the Olympic 100m final is 3rd.
Q. Where is the Super Bowl being played?
A. The Super Bowl XLIV will be be played at Dolphin Stadium in Miami Gardens, Florida, on 7 February 2010. It will be the 10th Super Bowl hosted in Miami.
Q. Where are the Saints based?
A. The New Orleans Saints American football club are based in New Orleans, Louisiana. They were founded on 1 November 1967.
Q. And the Colts?
A. The NFL team The Colts play in Indianapolis in Indiana. They were originally based in Baltimore, but moved in 1984. They won the Super Bowl in 2007.
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